{"id":1951,"date":"2019-03-06T14:55:10","date_gmt":"2019-03-06T14:55:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.coachmentoring.co.uk\/articles\/?p=1951"},"modified":"2019-03-07T11:53:19","modified_gmt":"2019-03-07T11:53:19","slug":"dark-side-of-mentoring-and-sponsorship-for-women","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.coachmentoring.co.uk\/articles\/2019\/03\/dark-side-of-mentoring-and-sponsorship-for-women\/","title":{"rendered":"The dark side of mentoring and sponsorship for women"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"This week for #iwd2019<\/a> I have been extolling the benefits of how useful mentoring and sponsorship are for women\u2019s careers. But actually is it always helpful? Mentors and sponsors can sometimes cause harm in supporting women and also negatively impact gender equity and equality. So what can go wrong?<\/p>\n

1. The Guru mentor or sponsor<\/h2>\n

Some mentors and sponsors know everything, or think they do \u2014 they don\u2019t! However, positioning themself as an \u2018all knowing guru\u2019, who can provide all the wisdom and knowledge required, creates more satisfaction and ego stroking for them. In addition, it makes the woman feel even more inadequate if she doesn\u2019t agree with her mentor or sponsor and wants to challenge them. Unfortunately many senior, successful men and women don\u2019t want to be challenged in life, particularly by a younger and more junior woman.<\/p>\n

2. Being positioned as the hero or rescuer in the relationship<\/h2>\n

Jennifer de Vries<\/a>\u2019\u00a0research shows that gendered expectations and choices position men as powerful and effective champions while undermining the effectiveness of the woman. This study describes how positioning male allies and mentors as heroic rescuers, can actually strengthen the gendered status quo, inadvertently reinforcing male positional power while showing women as unsuitable for serious leadership roles.<\/p>\n

This scenario also makes me reflect on Karpman\u2019s Drama Triangle<\/a>. The \u201cvictim, rescuer, and persecutor\u201d refer to roles people unconsciously play, or try to manipulate other people to play. In mentoring or sponsoring, if someone plays the rescuer role, it can tip the woman to becoming the victim, gradually eroding her capacity to solve problems and make decisions on her own. Rescuers need victims to help and often can\u2019t allow the victim to succeed or get better. They can use guilt to keep their victims dependent. Rescuers are frequently harried, overworked, tired, caught in a martyr style while resentment festers underneath.<\/p>\n

Does this sound familiar? What if the rescuer moves into persecutor? Persecutors criticize and blame the victim, set strict limits, can be controlling, rigid, authoritative, angry and unpleasant. They keep the victim feeling oppressed through threats and bullying. Again this can happen in some relationships and not just ones where the mentor or sponsor is male – remember Queen Bee Syndrome<\/a>. Often this oppression occurs without the woman realising just how controlling their mentor or sponsor has become.<\/p>\n

3. Cloning\u00a0in\u00a0mentoring and sponsorship<\/h2>\n

A bit like Dolly the Sheep! Many mentors are inclined to clone themselves in their mentees. So often unconsciously, they push their mentees to pursue career trajectories and make life or career decisions that mirror their own.<\/p>\n

Both male and female mentors and sponsors can fall prey to this. W. Brad Johnson and David G. Smith in their HBR article<\/a>\u00a0feel male mentors have more difficulty with this:<\/p>\n

\u2018However, it can be harder for male mentors to overcome because of the way men and women are socialized to listen, and the ways that women are (generally) more relationship-oriented, while men are (again, generally) more task-oriented. To avoid this instinctual cloning tendency, men have to work hard at really listening to the women they mentor, focusing on the relationship more than the specific task being discussed.\u2019<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

4. Dependency and disempowerment<\/h2>\n

This can be a by-product of working with a \u2018hero\u2019. Woman (and men) should never get so attached to their mentor or sponsor that they can\u2019t make a decision without checking in with them. My colleague\u00a0David Clutterbuck<\/a> calls this the \u2018cling on\u2019 mentality and it needs to be discouraged! Over-dependence can become a real issue and disempower the woman so she is in a worse position than when she began the mentoring or sponsorship relationship!<\/p>\n

Tips for healthy mentoring and sponsorship<\/h2>\n

The most effective relationships are where the mentors or sponsors:<\/p>\n