Good questions lead to good listening (and vice versa: good listening leads to good questions)! They build interpersonal bridges and create connections. Questions such as: ‘What moves you?’, ‘How does that make you feel?’ or ‘Would you like to tell me more?’ are usually sufficient. It is more helpful to ask a disbeliever ‘What makes you doubt?’ than to give them advice, nag them or try to reassure them with ‘It’s not that bad’.
Is the internet the answer?
The internet is often unbeatable for knowledge-based queries.
In a world of quick answers and where people expect instant gratification, they no longer ask questions of others, but instead ask search engines and chatbots. In fact, it’s almost irritating to be asked for directions in the street.
For me, such questions are ‘I-questions’: I want to know something (or someone else wants to know it for me). I use the term ‘I-questions’ in reference to Bernhard Pörsken, who distinguishes between an ‘I-ear’ and a ‘you-ear’.
- By ‘I-ear’, Pörsken means not listening ‘properly’, but rather that we have an ego filter installed upstream. I only hear what suits me, which is often fine in everyday life. And I also hear what outrages me (‘triggers’) and immediately interpret and label it without asking.
- You-questions, on the other hand — as I call them in reference to Pörsken’s distinction — help the talking partner to find a solution or to think further.
Sometimes, however, questions that come across as ‘you-questions’ actually turn out to be asked with the ‘I-ear’: you only ask the other person what suits you and thus create a stepping stone for a topic in order to be able to answer and present yourself. Or people don’t ask questions at all, but simply tell stories from their own small world. Out of a need to communicate, insecurity, egocentrism or a lack of empathy.
What are good questions?
‘You-questions’ are primarily open questions and are characterised by a genuine interest in the other person. Thoughts or further enquiries that follow naturally, together with a willingness to listen. They may also require some time to respond (see box below, open and closed questions). However, be careful with overly offensive or inappropriate ‘you-questions’: you can irritate someone, which might lead to distance.
‘You-questions’ in coaching and for self-reflection
‘You-questions’ are not about asking for information (“what is your favourite colour” etc.), but about the other person and how they think and feel. These inquiries are neutral, curious and empathetic, and encourage the other person to think outside the box and recognise other perspectives. This approach is familiar in coaching, where the coach uses ‘you-questions’ to help the coachee find their own solutions.
You can also ask yourself questions in a process of self-reflection, such as asking yourself about what you have and have not achieved, or about your working relationships. Rather than blaming yourself or others for what you have not achieved, it is more productive to ask yourself questions such as, ‘What can I learn from this situation and do better next time?’ or ‘What would Z and Y do in this situation?’,. This can to change your perspective and adopt a more proactive approach (see the box below for examples of questions).
There is a danger that our increasingly accelerated and egocentric world will suppress the power of good questions that stimulate reflection. Questions open doors to new perspectives, creativity, self-awareness and personal growth. It is not the answers that get us further, but the questions. They provide impetus, influence the direction of thought, and can create new realities. In today’s world, I believe it is especially important to encourage open questioning. ‘You-questions’ — or ‘we-questions’, for instance.
We-questions for team or social development, and relationship management
Ideally, the process should begin with a question that the working group, team or socially engaged group asks itself, rather than an answer. Similar to a ‘you-question’, a ‘we-question’ helps a group deal with an issue, explore development directions, or initiate a social process. For instance, asking
‘How can we approach the problem differently to how we did before?’
This encourages a team to think outside the box and develop new approaches. We-questions can also help to break deadlocks. Rather than looking for someone to blame, ask,
‘What reasons does each of us see for being stuck?’
Open questions encourage team members to share their thoughts, ideas and concerns. They also promote mutual understanding. Asking ‘How can we deal with differences of opinion to find common ground as a team?’ is more productive than simply appealing for understanding of others. To learn from mistakes together, ask ‘What should we do differently next time?’, creating a space for constructive discussion about the future.
Positive aspects for organisational development
‘You-‘, or more precisely ‘We-questions’ are also suitable for organisational development. One OD method, known as Appreciative Inquiry, involves asking those involved appreciative questions. By focusing on what is successful, this five-step method builds energy and capacity for change projects within organisations. This approach strengthens and disseminates these already existing positive aspects, making it more likely that the desired improvements will be achieved. The method’s inventor, David Cooperrider, formulates the principle as follows: ‘Human systems develop in the direction of the questions asked’.
We-questions also inspire social transformations. Such processes are often based on the question ‘What if we…’. This helps us to move away from the familiar or the seemingly inevitable. A current example is the ‘Urban Villages’ cooperative, which, when it was formed, asked itself, ‘What if we were to repurpose an old commercial building as an urban village?’ (instead of demolishing it) [2].
Last but not least, the same applies to small groups, friendships and relationships. Asking cautiously and curiously about how the other person feels, what the partner thinks and what the friend’s motives are, fertilises and connects.
Open and closed questions
Open questions begin with ‘What’, ‘How’ or ‘Why’. These are good because they encourage reflection and detailed responses, thus promoting dialogue. However, ‘why’ examinations can be tricky because they might seem accusatory. Instead of using ‘Why?’, try wondering ‘What reasons do you have…?’ Aim to ask in a neutral and curious way. If possible, there is also the 5-why method, which involves asking ‘why?’ five times.
Questions beginning with ‘who’, ‘where’, ‘when’ or ‘which’ are semi-open and are often answered quickly. Closed questions, i.e. those that can be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’, are generally not suitable. While they are useful in everyday life and interrogations, they remain superficial in conversation.
Question categories and sample questions
Firstly, adopt a positive attitude to questioning: be open, curious, empathetic and attentive. Do not criticise, do not debate, avoid sentences with ‘but’ and suggestive questions. Instead, invite the other person to think and reflect – by using ideas such as these:
Exploratory questions
- What is important to you about this? How does it make you feel?
- What do you think? What do you wish for?
- Explain what’s holding you back you from doing what you want?
- When were things going well, or at least better? Why doesn’t the problem occur then?
- What do you think would be best? What have you already tried?
- Can you describe the challenges, opportunities and risks here?
- What would be an example of this?
- Question assertions. For example, if someone says, ‘He’s choleric!’, ask what he does when he is choleric. In what situations does he become choleric?
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how big is the problem? How would you recognise that the problem had decreased by one point? What would be different from the current situation?
And horizon-broadening questions
- Let’s assume that X&Y happens, what would you do then?
- What do you think a 70-year-old reader would think of our newsletter?
- Suppose a miracle happened overnight and the problem that is bothering you was solved. How would you realise that the miracle had happened?
- What could you do to make the problem worse?
- If you could do it again, what would you do differently?
What do you think?
Share a reply about your experiences below.
Literature
[1] In his book «Zuhören – die Kunst sich zu öffnen», Bernhard Pörksen distinguishes between “egocentric” and ‘genuine attention’: the first is listening with the ‘I-ear’, the second with the ‘You-ear’. Bernhard Pörksen distinguishes “egocentric” attention as a self-centred form of focus where one’s attention is driven by personal interests, biases, or needs, often ignoring the perspective of others. In contrast, “genuine attention” is characterised by open, respectful, and empathetic engagement with others, aimed at truly understanding their viewpoints and experiences without imposing one’s own perspective. See the article, Listen Up!
[2] ‘What if we first formed vibrant and caring neighbourhoods and only then buildings?’ — another question posed by the ‘Urban Villages’ cooperative.
Based on an original German article published by B’VM.
